The sun does not know it is a star.this is propably the best thing i ve heard in my early childhood,in between the divorce of my parents,police trouble,medical experiments on my brain and suicides inside my beloved family.
I had to learn inside my innocence the importance of being a stupid little brat that never gives up and acts like a wise adult all the fucking time.i had to learn that the world will never give a shit about you,unless you got the time or the money-which in most cases is the same-to deal with them.
I had to learn that a good heart is a curse and not a fucking eulogy,as i watched my self getting weaker day by day as the sun went up and down and my early years faded away.
And there i stood,a dark-haired troubled kid,with dreams filled of ambition and hope about a better future.
Like a blazing exemple of my generation,i never gave a shit about the ones i didn’t know and never doubted the ones i trusted.you see,when in trouble,most people decide to realx themselves by tempting them souls into a fierceful gang of other teenagers and into a –hopefully- everlasting oblivion.
Oblivion.such a beautiful word.i never got why people stopped caring about old virtues and old values.for instance,some decades ago,if you were a convict,you could slide yourself to a god forsaken town and no one ever gave as shit about you or your shitty life.now,you gotta tell anyone who you are,what you do,tell the cops-or even worse the neighbours- about your past and know that any guy in the whole white world has the force to google you.fuck that shit.Back and into my story so,my gang was my only gettaway from a –what seemed to be- fucked up life.once you reach the age the 18,there comes a certain point in your life,where you try to selfcritisize and see your self as a fully grown man into the great wild future.im afraid to admit i was always unable to carry that task out.
You see,with a mind that would make walt disney’s brain look ridiculous and lots of underestimated achievements,it isn’t difficult for anyone to get lost inside his self.i guess this is what happened to me,like in so many movie charactes i adored.good will hunting,tyler derden,bruce wayne,so,it goes.
The problem was my heroes were living in an unreal world,where everything seems to work out eventually.in real life,things always get worse,no matter how hard you try.it is as rolling stones say.*
My life started to look more and more like a trash.by the age of 20,i had developed an erotic relationship with trouble.
Busted twice for dealing weed with a bunch of immigrants,already had 2 long time affairs with two ladies i ended up hurting like mike tyson’s fist in your ass and a problem with my liver caused by booze and pills.the lucky days were now the ones where i wouldn’t spit blood for a week and i wouldn’t get into a fight for a political,social or -something to do with love- reason.
You may think im a dirty old scumbag,but you see,when given the chance i know i can change ways.i can learn how to act confirmably,behave if you prefer in a truly false and fake world where i want to get a place but i was never given any.fuck,im in my early 30’s and i ve lived for another a hundred.my lifecounter is getting lighter day by day and all my dreams seem to forget me,like a whore does with each rich clients.first,they promise you the world and then,they disappear,just when theyre done laughing after an orgasm that even an actor’s studio graduate wouldn’t be able to pull through.
Shit,life is heavy most of the times and all that crap about raising a family,having blond kids that play in the sun,a beautiful wife and a job in the bank never meant anything about me.if you think about it,i never believed in any kind of dream made by society,why should my heart get a kick out of the american oneiroxis?
As a child,i had the ambition to change the world.to be someone,somebody,anybody.be the one that would make a difference.a fucking action hero that would save the day for ever.and we would live happily ever after.
Kudos to me for what happened next,i guess.somewhere in your days of rock n roll youth,you lose your way and can never come back.this is something that youre pretty lucky if you ever got the balls or the mind to realize it.unfortunately,i had them both.
Life can sometimes be for sure,a nasty bitch.Sometimes you get something,sometimes you get nothing.Other times you laugh nd others,you cry.But some other times,life is nothing for sure.
There is no Devil to cut you a deal just like Faust had you believe,there is no police to protect you,no fairies and for sure,no fucking Prince Charming-may someone rest his soul-,no politics you can rely on and there sure,is no one else there to make things clear through that sweet head of yours.
Sometimes it is just real.
And no smile from an old friend or a hug from a bootycall can make no fucking difference.Real is always real.
Good thing about real is that it triggers sometimes something inside your soul and makes it swing like a horny bull in a brothel of Dutch cows in red.
That’s life.
If I,a poor old dirty bastard know this,so can the rest of the unhappy children of this world.
Cause life will get you pain,and pain will get you life.
Cause life sometimes is a worthy nasty bitch who is about to sweettalk you and fuck you,once you live outside that baby crandle of yours.
Sometimes you are real.
And sometimes,life is just life.
And there i found myself,trying to stay out of trouble,miserable and all,when a simple shiny day changed my day.
When my god came to me and told me clear all the secrets i wanted to hear,i decided it was a moment to remember with a beloved tear.it was my time.
Cause i had a plan to make things right and to be forgiven for all the sins of my past.to be reborn,like an ancient totem and project everything good that was left inside me.
Im just an old scarecrow,that’s counting its days until the crows come and eat the rest of my ugly body.but there’s one thing that always kept me going.made me pull my shit together.
The sun doesn’t know it is a star.
And until i stop shining and the great dark gets me,i will be sucking the tit of freedom like a horny newborn.
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