Misssing your breath

"Woman,
I aint never hurt so much as I did with you.
As I stand here,alone in the dark,afraid,fighting with my soul,way past midnight with a bottle of booze and some pills in my filthy right hand,I realize all the trouble I've been for you.
Maybe it was the smell of your pussy inside my head that go me horny last week when I saw that waitress that always reminds me of you.Maybe it was the time I woke up from a neverending nightmare and realized a song was in my head.The same song you chose to tatoo your hands with.My song,you said and smiled like a friendly ghost and then,I slept again.Or maybe it was the Time I saw you outside a punk concert and I was with this whore and didn't have the balls to scream how much I love you.
I love you.


Girl,I miss you every fucking day I exist.'Cause once we were and now we are not and this shit ain't never gonna change.You went elsewhere to sing your blues and all I got now is the drugs and the booze.
What I do,I do it for you.Everytime I see the sun shine,I remember your big happy smile causing me a small erection and a backsmile.Everytime I see a woman,I know it ain't you,'cause I can still breathe and everytime I see a whore I know it might be you.


Darling,I miss you,like hell misses all its sexslaves.You are what I love.You are my fears,my sins,my failure,my beloved,my destiny.


God,I want to see her smile again and and then I can die.
I want to breathe again."

Enter the Madman

Questiondark was acting a bit more arrogant towards us,since we decide we wanted to know about the Madman.Who is he,what's his real shape,what pleases him and what ruins us and I'm guessing,all the things a guy would want to know from the original figure of madness that resides inside the worst path of this soul.My thoughts and concerns stopped the moment Q stopped and told me to stop it.Thinking,that is.I did what he said and realised I was all alone.

None of my compagnons were with me.Q had warned me about everything I was going to see,or atl least,tried to,but there was no way I would ever be able to sucessfully forget what happened on that day,on that room.My loneliness got me thinking all over again and it was then that I saw a giant wooden door,with an old dirty knob.I knocked and waited,bit scared,bit amazed from what I was about to see.

A “SMELL-FOR-A-CUM”

 

In near future,all will be sold.Solid gold for a beautiful smile,50 bucks for the sensational feeling of happiness for a night,drugs of all kinds,uppers,downers,sex drugs,drugs that will make you lose or change or erase your mind.pills on a chocolate pancake and pills for free with magazines and a toothbrush with your favorite actors teeth on it.

In sometime from now,evolution will be completed.

People will be the brutal beings they truly are,only they will have a new variety of ways to show their dirty undies.

It may seem impossible to a few people now(includes Stupid People and Woody Allen fans,which is oddly enough the same ones),but the way things are,we are done with the vals and the sweettalk and the rape on our most important prom is about to embark.

Realities about whores and serial killers,videogames where you kill parents and fuck sisters,more Woody Allen movies,online bet about dead children and abortions in Switzerland next month and media brainwash of terror.

Our heads will spin like a drunk baseball and there is nothing we can do about it.All we can do,is fight back.

In the end,it has always been about us and them.The doers and the makers and the multipliers and the swim out of a fucked up society,where we annoy the ones we don’t care and get annoyed by those that don’t give a shit about us.

story of love

If you are going to love,do it right.Take your red roses,make sure you smell like a seducing whore in a fancy dress and take out the knight of your heart for a ride and act for a while.Never mistreat or act bad to your speciallady.Never hurt her and make her feel pride for being part of your life.

Love her with all your strength and bear in mind it will never last too long.

And most of all,find out what kind of animal she is and act accordingly.

Cats need a bit of extracuddling,but dogladies will go for your bones.

In the end,its you,her and luck.Trust luck more than your beloved fairy.

That’s all I can tell you and Im  just  about over.Know that when it comes to personal affairs,you can  never win.

You can just fuck the prize and then pay for it.

Equilibrium

 

Autumn.

Trees dance once again like clockwork green giants after a long,overdued summer.

News say possibly the hottest one ever.

But they say that every year,only to remind you things are getting worse.

 

But this summer, is my favorite one.

 

Youth and life haven’t given up on me just yet.

 

Summertime,booze and pot and rides on the sunset,chicks with hot bikinis and a new red hot chili peppers compact disk.

Nothing else i need.

Since i am certain you find none of these trully important about our current –hostage-kill or not kill- situation,let me make this simpler to you.

I still wear the mask and have some decisions to make,you know.

 

This summer i met “i”.

And i knew,for the very first time in my mediocre pity existence,i was in love.

I will always savour and never forget this day,even if i should.

 

It was one of those days when you unexplicably don’t give a damn about anything real and you surprise yourself,smiling and sweettalking to anyone.even your parents or the cops.

Sun was shining and living was easy back then.my beard was as high as heaven and yesterday’s boozenight with an old friend got me even better.

I had my job,my worries,myself mixed and all,but sometimes you see magic in your life.

And i saw ,her.

On a midnight train.like in the movies.

Asking me for a cigarette.like a real lady.

 

A true lifeframe.

I noticed her first.

She stared at me and then,as soon as i light a winston outside the train station,forcing the poor security guy to start calling me names,i saw a smile fading in her pale lips.

I felt happy.

Like never before.

Even better,or worse,i felt more things.

Weird.violated.warm.

But now i know it.

I felt alive for the first time.

“may i have a cigarette?”,she said.i adore her voice.her hands were covered by purple torn gloves.

All i could think was that i was going to touch her for a while.

Pervert,i thought with shame,lowered my head and acted geekishly.

“sure”.i tried to act cool,but i couldn’t.

Failure waved at me,like so many times before.

 

Her look promised me a thousand more though.

I got better.needed to.A man is a man and sometimes that’s about enough.

My heart turned herself into a volcano,right before a biblical explosion.

-whats your name?

-Lucie.

(my mind is running like an escaped convict.i seem helpless.)

Anxiety strikes.make the right choice.now.

Tell my name,ask her number,offer her a lighter and some sweettalks or ...?Or what?

(the dogs are coming.i don’t want them to catch me.i cant go back to prison.)

-quentin.

(explosion.my volkano heart explodes fear,sweat and barks from hungry dogs.i hear the painful melodies of love .i look like a -horror movie freak- now.im a dead man walking.so,it goes.)

 

An enormous second later,i see her smile again.

-really?That’s my dog’s name.

I love dogs.i want to open a pet shop.i wanna kiss saint bernard’s picture.i wanna have a tail.

I can feel blood running through my vains again.

God,if you are out there,please,oh please,let her smile and take da vinci’s smily crapwhore instead.because she’s more divine.

 Then,i hear myself turning into words his question of instant happiness.

 

-what?

She smiles.

Tells me it’s because of her favorite director.

Tells me i was funny before with the security guard.

Tells me a lot more than expected.

 

We talk.

A date is arranged.she tells me “goodbye” and  “see you tomorrow,q”.

 

Now i smile like never before.

Now i got a nickname and a date.so much more than usual.

The world seems a little bit more like heaven.

Life can be a tricky thing you know.love too.

Train takes me back home.my mind tells me to take it easy.relax.get ready for the future pains.

 

I turn on my old-fashioned walkman.

My ears are soon to be treated by a radiostation.I let luck decide.

Hasn’t failed me yet today,i think.

Has to do it now.

But i didn’t know love is magic.

Radioproducer’s mellow voice makes me realize it.

-“i wanna be your dog”is my  last choise,ladies and gentlemen.have a great night and remember:

Equilibrium is always one step away from madness.take good care of your selves and smile.it’s healthy.”

 

Trees dance like never before..

Breaking into q

 

Dear mr patton,

This is the first time i do this.i’ve been trying to reach you through phone several times without success.i am sure you are a busy man,so i am going to take the least possible time of yours.my name is cherie johnson.

One of your patients,quentin “q” roi,is a friend of mine.

“q”is a really nice guy.

Q is alone.q is scared.q is –almost always- depressed.

But,most of all,q is a child.

He likes to have fun and enjoy life.

He doesn’t want to be a pain in the ass.

He doesn’t want to be rich,famous,a rockstar or a rocket scientist.

Not even a guy with with a family,a monthly paycheck,a house in the lake and a -black and white-dog named in a humorish childlish way.

He just wants to be himself.

A free spirit.

A bright thinker.

A lovable son and a role model citizen.

A guy you can trust and whose handshake you can hold without a second thought.

Some people say being yourself is the worst part.

 

He thinks different and i agree with him.

By the end of his harsh childhood,he created a rather changeable personality.

He didn’t want to let anyone down.

Not his friends,not his family,not his ladies,not his heroes.

No one.

 

So,he joined every possible culture club,learned all he needed to know about fame,shame,money,honey,elevation,discrimination and allibies and all the people’s perfect lies.

 

A perfect teenager was born with a soul ticking like an al-kaida product.

Knowledge is my weapon,he decided and found himself ten years later with three diplomas and a mind  filled with information.

Once he described me his mind like a house,decorated with nerve,grace,taste,confidence and cheap gifts from a road-bazaar.

And he was right.

 

But no one told my poor friend that the more you know,the less you can hope.

Hope is dead for him a long time ago.

Love has no place for q.

Future seems worrying and present is hell.

 

And the more he knew,like a constant student he was,the more he seemed to be locked inside him.

With a lock he has created and keys made out of everyone’s despair.

 

A hard situation you see.

But i assure you sir,he means no harm.

 

He is just going through difficult times.

 

He has just broken up,been fired and saw a man die in front of him.

That’s a hell of a pain,man.the things he did, must be now excusable,

Ya know?

 

Or else.

 

Ps. Or else means bad news for you.bullet.

 

 

Cheers

Death of the deathcarrier

  

 

Snow was falling all over town.it was one of those days where you would breathe out cold and pee icecubes.

The whole town looked like a sad pittoresque leftover of giger’s mind.

People walked and i walked with them.

This is the day i became someone.

 

No longer a number.

No longer a part of society.

No longer a working class hero.

Downtown now,minding still my own business.

The wind sent me a newspaper.i took it and threw it in the can.

An old man was there,next to the can,laying half-dead on the glassy floor.

Beside him,

Was a warm counter with french croissants and muffin cakes.

A suited guy

Was yelling about his merchandise.

 

I ran to the poor fellow.

-sir,sir..are you ok?

No reply.

Suited guy interfearance.

- hey man,don’t mind him.

He’s a bump.

Drunk for sure.comes here everyday.

 

A sunbeam attacked me.

Suddenly,i felt like a fucking knight.

 

My mind asked me all kinds of questions.

Whether i had to punch the guy,make him bleed and choke to death with his pretty croissant,help the poor old bump or just leave some money and get the fuck outta there.

Luckily,i checked his pulse first.

I approached his dirty moisty clothes and tried to hear his exhausted little heart bump just a little.

Total failure.

-he’s got no pulse,you asshole.call an ambulance.

-what?

The croissant guy felt like a child,whose mother was yelling at him.

-i cant do that.i don’t have a cell and i cant leave the counter.

You go find someone.

 

 

My eyes got scarier than any serial killer i’ ve seen in the movies.

I could see them through the look of this miserable,suited,fearful, croissant-guy,whose last last day on earth has just been decided.

Dreadful times,my friends.

Fucking brat,i said and ran to a hotel nearby.

Ten minutes later,i called for an ambulance.

Half an hour later,they were there just to take the poor old champ’s frozen body.

The croissant-guy tried to act friendly later.

That made things even worse.

He’s going to pay,you know.

Just figure out how and have faith.he has to pay.

When the ambulance came,a deposal was needed.the nursist smiled at me politely when he figured out what happened and wished me the best.

“at least,you tried,cowboy”,he said.

“yeah,i tried,sheriff”,i laughed at myself.

Nobody was going to make me feel better about this.it was nice to have someone trying though.

“by the way,cowboy,we found this.oldie had a mask.inside his left pocket.take it.something to remember him by.i don’t think anyone else will.”

 

A delirium of justice appeared.

“thanks”,i said and hold my new gift in my exploding,freezing hands.

Everything made sense in a violent way right now.

 

A mask was all i needed.

 

To hide my failure.

To hide my feelings.

To hide my face.

To hide myself.

 

This old man was a deathcarrier.

I can carry death for others now.

I am the deathcarrier.

It’s cold and it feels alright.

 

 

Snow never felt better.

……………………………………………